A Letter to Pabst Blue Ribbon

"Tectonic plates could never produce the earthquakes begging my external anal sphincter to relax."

STORY OF THE DAY: National Day of Prayer Declared Unconstitutional. Are Sunday workdays coming soon?

"We’ve had enough with getting that check from mommy in the mail on Monday when we could have had it on Sunday.  Sure, it was only for $20, but that’s like 30 PBRs, and it’s much more acceptable getting trashing on a Sunday than a Monday.  Jesus."

The Onion Unpeeled: Six Flags NEVER Created a Roller Coaster Based on Someone’s Relationship

"Look: the bottom line is a ride like the Life Force Crusher-X (although I like the ‘X’ in the name) would never exist at any park."

BoozeWeek Article: Boozing on a Budget

"Down the beer, bust the bottle, and jam it in the motherfucker’s eye."

A Poopy Letter to the Makers of Urinal Screens

"People would buy your product so that their urinals wouldn’t get clogged with poop and afterbirth."

International Fuck-A-Friend Day: June 9th

"F*ck-A-Friend Day is meant to bring close friends even closer."

The China Report: Little Trouble in Big China (Part 2)

"My intercession on her behalf amounted to assault because I was interrupting a completely legal raping."

Five Things in the New Health Reform Bill that THEY Don’t Want You to Know About!

"Pick-up your poorly-worded, inaccurate posters and head to Washington (D.C., not the state) to let them know you are too angry to be rational!"

The China Report: Little Trouble in Big China (Part 1)

"The aerodynamic properties of a tiny Chinese man are such that they fly much farther than expected when thrown over a railing."

Top 10 Reasons to Hate Corporations

"Even the most Reagan-worshiping Republican can cite examples of how they've been screwed over by our true overlords: The Corporations."